smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
