My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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