Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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