Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
