I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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