I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
