I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
My penis needs a shock collar
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
