this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
