My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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