I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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