It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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