Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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