Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
