It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
