he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
