I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
