I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
you had me at cake vodka
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
