I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
