saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
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