She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
They took my balls.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
