I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
