i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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