First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
