I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
