I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Randomize
