All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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