listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
He did a backflip because drugs
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
