He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
