I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
