he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
she told me i tasted like america
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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