The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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