I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
