i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
