omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
