a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize
