in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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