Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
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She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
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I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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