i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
