She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
