If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
