I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Randomize
