Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
