did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
