put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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