new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize