Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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