I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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