Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
