i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
