what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
