Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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