The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
