He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
