Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
