what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
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"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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