I just made out with a guy for $7.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
