Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
