my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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