i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
